whisper secrets,

2007-12-13T18:00:00.000+08:00

i have moved, those of you darlingZ who bother, haha. here's the link: http://lily-inthevally.livejournal.com

2007-12-13T12:26:00.000+08:00

christmas is coming (:

2007-11-29T22:59:00.000+08:00

i have found the best song in the world!
have you ever heard a song that makes you feel like youre in love even though youre not? one that plasters this retarded grin on your face throughout the whole song? one that makes you reply it twentysomething times over?
haha it sounds obsessive but i have found such a song :D

I can get used to this - David Choi

it is total heartZ!!!!! <3

2007-11-12T20:57:00.000+08:00

i will let the pictures speak for themselves (:

DAY ONE: (saturday)

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DAY TWO: (sunday)

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that'll be all for now (: today was a boring day... looking forward to better ones ahead!

2007-11-07T17:39:00.000+08:00

___________________________________________________________

looking at smiley pictures make you a little more smiley.
val, stop being stupid.
take that! ------> :D
HAH.

(smiles overrule fatness!)

2007-11-07T15:45:00.000+08:00

ive nvr known discomfort like this :( & it dsnt help that it has been coupled with guilt. & with that guilt comes indignance. which is quickly replaced by guilt agn :/ whatever. i dont even feel like going out anymore :/ it shldnt be like this.

2007-11-06T00:04:00.000+08:00

hello.

i will be flying on friday. hmm. and i will be gg to sarawak! hahaha im so excited. out tmr & wednesday. going dsnt seem so appealing anymore, somehow :/ though it sucks being cooped up at home :/ i WAAANT to get it soooooon! hehe.

bye.

2007-11-03T21:24:00.000+08:00

today, i read about someone who decided to give up her religion. it scared me to think that someone would ever feel invincible enough to think that he/she didnt need God. let me tell you, i need my God.

my God is the one who can make me smile through the storm.
He is the one who gives me the strength to say,"yes, i will make it through this because God has His plans and i trust in Him."
He is the one who wakes me to a smile and lets me know that the day is going to be okay, only because He says so.
He is the one who lets me see the beauty in things
He is the one who reminds me to stop being snappy and mean when i am "difficult" (especially during pw meetings, haha!)
He is the one who comforts me when there is no one i can talk to because there is no one i trust enough, not even myself. and when i talk to Him, He never fails me. He would take me in His arms and show me how He is so mighty and yet so gentle.
He is the one who gives me the strength to live because He is the one whose love is for forever until eternity :)

today at mass, we heard about zacchaeus and spiritual emptiness. i am thankful for not having to go through sth as scary as spiritual emptiness. and i am glad! because i read in the catholic news that lots of anglicans are coming back to the catholic church! i was so happy reading it :) because i am looking forward to that one day when this divide will disappear and we will all be one again, like we used to be.

2007-10-31T12:10:00.000+08:00

i just went to look at mr joogal's son's pictures on flickr :D he's rly cute but in some pictures he looks too old to be just a baby :O haha. and i am famished now :/ but jake's coming back with lunch so YAYZ. later :)

2007-10-30T23:10:00.000+08:00

"...and with that, we have come to the end of our presentation. Ladies and gentlemen, this is our groundbreaker, Dr Charles Richard Drew."
hahaha yes, no doubt i am relieved, now that pw is over. but i cant but feel i'll miss the doing the slides part :) honestly! that was about the ONLY fun part! aww guys, im gonna miss working with you guys like that and it was AWESOME ok :) although yeah i was whingeing and complaining and being snappy a lot of times but i guess we enjoyed it at the end and it wasnt too bad. only the annoying write-up parts !!! but we made it through and ya la :) love you guys to bits, haha.

ANDDDDD guess who val saw in school todayyy!!! hahaha. that was before op :D thank you vincent, for asking us to come early :D hehe. so yeah im a happy girl :) despite certain somethings that have arisen but i know the Lord will make a way and i am feeling good about this so come what may :)

i am going shoppinggg on fferidayyyyy for a new baby :D hehe. excitingZ. alrighty :) today was good, hehe :) and for some reason, 1SD1, im missing you already :) i cannot wait to go out with you guys soon :)

2007-10-28T22:10:00.001+08:00

pw ppl just left the hse :) vivien had to leave early cos it was her dad's birthday and they were giong for dinner :) i think the last time we were at her house, it was her mum's birthday... how coincidental :/ anyhoos, we're nearly nearly done :D im SOOOO happy i cannot describe my joy. each day we move towards our presentation day, the excitement bubbling within me increases :D we are gna do awesome, guys! our *secretZ* is gna be way cool, haha. today was the best pw day EVER cos we had fun and i felt like we accomplished something :) yay :D wednesday will be shopping with mummy for cloth to bring to shanghai and for my new assignment! haha. this one's nearly done already :) anddd soon i will get my $$$ to go shoppinggg with kelvin chewX i am so excited hehehe. *note to self: rmb to submit bazaar form!!! oh and 'arabian nights' edusave form! (whoops!)

2007-10-27T23:19:00.000+08:00

it's saturday, going on sunday :) school ended ytd. and even though. well even though i didnt manage to catch a glimpse of eyecandy, i am not THAT sad at all :) haha. pw suckZZZZZ and i cannot wait for it to endddddd!!! pw mateys (hahaha. that was just retarded) are coming over tmr and i cleared the dining table just for them! :D hahaha. ma says that the table can "chong jian guang ming" and thus you may infer how bad it was, haha. sorry, i cant help it :/ im not a tidy-up-the-table kinda girl, though i'd gladly wash the dishes for you, haha. anyways, THE HOLS ARE HEREEEEEEEEE!!! i cannot wait to go overseas :)) ya la, i'll study and do my hw laaaaa :(

2007-10-24T17:17:00.001+08:00

i honestly do not exaggerate when i say that my breath cuaght when his eyes met mine. ive nvr had the courage to let my gaze linger. this time wasnt an exception but i felt a strange sadness as i watched him walk away.
could this be the last?
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we went to the supreme court today and attended a court appeal hearing :D it was cool. the supreme court is cool :) life is, well, kinda cool, i guess :) this is the last week in school!!! :)/:( only a few days left. i am determined to make the most of it! we'll see if i get the opportunity ;)

2007-10-21T22:51:00.000+08:00

say hello to miss positive (: (at least for now anyways, ha) hahaha i know, i know. i am so unpredictable and scaryyy but that's what pw does to you! i think i was just stressing over my undone script (which is done alr, btw!) whee, haha. ok so now's down to the last bit and refining here and there and then practicepracticepractice cos everyone knows practice makes perfect (: ooh angels we have heard on high is playing on itunes! it's a sign! hahaha i LOVE christmas ((: ok. sch tmr. it'll be fine :D kinda looking forward to it, in fact ((: but there's tuition ))): and tony will probably keel over and froth at his mouth when he hears my results but :/ sorry la, haha. okok, another time!

2007-10-21T17:04:00.001+08:00

If there is a future there is time for mending-
Time to see your troubles coming to an ending.
Life is never hopeless however great your sorrow-
If you're looking forward to a new tomorrow.
If there is time for wishing then there is time for hoping-
When through doubt and darkness you are blindly groping.
Though the heart be heavy and hurt you may be feeling-
If there is time for praying there is time for healing.

So if through your window there is a new day breaking-
Thank God for the promise, though mind and soul be aching,
If with harvest over there is grain enough for gleaning-
There is a new tomorrow and life still has meaning.
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that said, i am unbelievably grouchy ):< (no prizes for guessing why ):< )
i need to find my (annoying, old, lost) thumbdrive ):
(that's what nonchalance and carelessness and messiness does to you! serves you right ):< ) and yes, i monologue quite a bit, especially when i am angry and grouchy ):< RARRRRRRRR!!!!!

2007-10-20T10:56:00.001+08:00

started my first dressmaking class on thursday! guess it was kinda cool how you do the measurements and stuff but right now things are still just a tad boring... we're doing a button-up blouse thing first :D/:| i sewed the sides ytd with the shoulders done and the ducts too and i dont understand how those old ladies can sit at the sewing machine all day cos my shoulders ached after a while! i am excited because i want to make my own dresses, hahaha :D but the cloth(!!!) is really annoying cos it's soft and flappy and it flaps about so it's so hard to control :/ like it flops over and about and when you pull it this way it slips over down there and then when you want to sew it straight it gets annoying >:( hahaha. but ok la :) it's not tt bad hahaha. i must be patient! haha. i cannot wait for the outcome of my (not so) masterpiece :D hehe. so far life's been treating me pretty good, with a probable promotion to year 2 if nothing goes wrong :) (i hope nothing goes wrong :( i promise i'll be good and study hard :( )and i saw eyecandy on friday :D i think God's weaning me off him so i can get used to it soon cos i dont see him as often now, hahaha. alright. i am a boring person, i have nothing else to say. bye.

2007-10-17T22:12:00.000+08:00

today, due to our darlingdearest pw, i had a sudden outburst when vivien told us about this VS boy who passed away after he got knocked by a car. what gets me is how people always seem to think smarter people are more valuable. mr joogal calls those who do well in tests "good students" and treats them nice. when thaddeus passed away, jianwei said, "His parents must be so sad. He had such a bright future in front of him. Plus, he must have been a smart kid!" and when nat said in her blog that she wanted kids next time, she had to add that she wanted "smart kids". and today, viv said,"I heard he was smart you know! Such a waste!" and i couldnt take it anymore ): i had been nursing this thought in my mind for a long, long time now and pw really makes me so strung up... so when stupid people die, it's not a waste la, right? So if your kid is stupid and he/she dies, you won't be as sad as if your smart kid died? so stupid students aren't good students? rarr ): i cant help it that i can sympathise with them. after all, i AM one of their kind, if you would have it that way...

AND i also cannot understand how people can actually think about aborting their babies with down syndrome. i mean, i totally understand the stresses and every other thing like financial problems etc etc, but i really dont think we should play God in this situation. it's ending your child's life, for goodness' sake ): im sorry, im just very pro-life and all but. ya. it's just my opinion la, no offence. and maybe it's easier for me cause i have my faith. and my faith tells me that if God takes me to it, He will take me through it, no matter what comes my way cos God is bigger than anything (: haha i remembered this song i used to sing with my 2 younger siblings when we were still in kindergarten (: pity i cant remember the words well but it goes sth like this: Who is the king of the jungle? who is the king of the sea ? who is the king of the universe? the (something) you and me? and the answer was God la, duh haha. yeah (: oh well.

being in this college has kept me close to God. being in this college has made me stronger in my faith and even defensive of it (: i proudly do the sign of the cross while some may stare weirdly haha. i guess i have taken it for granted, being in catholic schools all my life, that i can sit comfortably through mass and know what's giong on. sometimes, though, i find myself being quite guarded against things that are being taught here. i dont knw why. pride? fear? i dont knw. but what i do know is that we're talking about this same God here. though i personally focus a lot on God the Father and they focus on Jesus. though basically there isnt rly a difference since Theyre God anyways (: but it's just different. alright. tmr will end really really early for me ;D but i need slp now. pw sapped the energy out of me. like oompf. haha yup. ttfn!

2007-10-17T16:41:00.000+08:00

friday shall be my maiden step into photog! how exciting! haha. mark richie tan said i look like a china girl )))): he might not have meant it but it is one of the worse insults considered by me !!! ): haha. oh well. and today, i mope about eyecandy again ): &&& pw makes me grouchy and cranky and snappy like nothing can ): and i am all alone with vincent's laptop going tap tap tappity tap till someone comes back to join me at growling at WRs and OPs and I&Rs.

rarr.

eyecandyyyyy... ):

2007-10-16T16:21:00.000+08:00

acjc has the worse library in the world ever! haha. nat and i went there in hopes of borrowing someting decent to tide our PERIODS WITHOUT MOTHER TONGUE (chinese) OVER (hahaha) and ended empty-handed :/ me at least. he found some old book. they don't seem to ever update the books! we found books dating back to 1977 and this "modern writers" book that dated to 1980 -.- really modern, yes.
i know a million people have probably said this but, I CANNOT BELIEVE THAT I'M GNA BE IN YEAR TWO ALREADY ): and eyecandy is going to be gone forever and ever ): words simply cannot express my anguish ): now everytime i catch a glimpse of him, my heart gives a great leap of joy hahaha and i cannot help but smile instantly and thank God hahaha. i know, it sounds exaggerated but i can assure you that i am not kidding at all! timothy "cleverly" suggested that i go up to him and ask to take a photo with him -.- great idea. if only ): when i explained that it was quite retarded to do that, he insisted that it wasn't and then proceeded to ask me to ask for his number too. right. and i didnt see him today ): when the current year twos started on their study break, seeing him was already a rarity. now that school for us year ones ends so early, it'll be tough luck catching even the glimpse of his shadow, sigh. ok sorry haha. i know i sound lovesick and slightly deranged, like a stalker :O but i am so not! haha. i just appreciate beautiful objects with a smile so captivating that it has an uncanny ability to reduce me to slush, SOMEHOW. heh :D (ok fine, so he's not an object...) and let me let you in on this teeny little secret: i dont even know his name ): oh, shut up already ): im waiting anxiously for the yearbook for my first and last photo of him, ever ): and, NO, i will not cut out my head and put it next to his, HAHA. although that would be pretty hilarious...

2007-10-14T21:14:00.000+08:00

hello (:
tmr is a sch holiday! and mummy gave the green light to an slr and i am kinda dreading the start of sch agn and i want my tan to go away ): and im feeling a lot. seeing nat that day made me think a bit. not that i came to any conclusions. mel was a stark contrast to nat (: i did think it wld be better to keep them apart. but mel did make nat laugh sometimes and i guess tt was enough, haha. it certainly was a tense, albeit good (to a certain extent, i guess), night. i suppose i have settled myself in to such an extent and am so blessed to have support all around all the time, whenever, that i just dont know how to what to do when others are at a loss anymore. what causes me to blank out most is when i cannot talk to them about this God i have learnt to trust in so much so that i have found that i need no one and nothing but Him. but then, how am i to explain this to them? oh well. on a whole, this week has been good (: part of the class had a good outing to ecp on wednesday after chem spa. (and that was when i got a horrible tan ): i know, i know, everyone wants to get tanned, right. but not me ): ) cycling for 2 hours straight was awesome stuff, haha. and barbeque that night was a gd time of bonding (: thursday and friday was spent in sch at games day :D which was awesome even though we didnt win anythg haha. but hey, im sure we would have won for class unity, haha :D we were cool ok. oh well. sch's gna start soon and although things arent gna be pretty, i can safely say that i am prepared for the worse (: i have surrendered everythg to Him so come what may!

2007-10-07T15:53:00.000+08:00

promos have been over for a while now and no, nothing's been remotely exciting in my life. it doesnt feel like anything bad has been over. and i know for certain things not too pleasant will come in time but i am not too worried yet. mum suffered a minor slip disc just before my promos but all is better already. right now, im looking forward to the Bangkok and China trip. and once again i feel like im bubbling over with emotions and things to talk about and yet none are good to be up here, haha. in a way, im kinda excited about school starting again. but then again :/ haha. oh well. :/

2007-09-14T22:06:00.000+08:00

Happiness keeps you Sweet,

Trials keep you Strong,

Sorrows keep you Human,

Failures keep you Humble,

Success keeps You Glowing,

But Only God keeps You Going!

GOD is too wise to be mistaken...

GOD is too good to be unkind...

So when you don ' t understand...

When you don ' t see His plan...

When you can't trace His hand...

HAVE FAITH AND TRUST HIS HEART

thanks annabel (:

2007-09-14T22:01:00.001+08:00

this week has been tiring despite it being not too hectic. the stress is getting to me, i promise ): ive been eating like crazy and moody and laughing like crazy. my mood has been seriously fluctuating. i think i feel deranged. honestly ): and i feel so super tired everyday. GAHH. shut up val, stop complaining. oh well. we're almost there! but i hvnt studied hard enough ): sighhhhh. i need to cry some time soon. just to let it all out. siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhh. the weekends are here, time for rest and time for study. The Lord will take me through it all! <3

2007-09-09T21:25:00.000+08:00

we studied at rj agn today (: for a while.. haha. until after lunch la, ok (: we were at the windy benches again. until it got too smoky for me. we went to the er. mini canteen, was it called? it's supposed to be the arts canteen or sth. it wasnt as windy but well at least it wasnt smoky. -shrugs.
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my view to the front (:

my view to the left (: (it was really sunny so it looks quite dark. but it wasn't all that dark.)

this was substitute for the wind. which wasnt much of a substitute! haha

im feeling really warm and whiny.

i wore the skirt today haha. dont know why.

this was my view to the front again, except zoomed in haha. pretty sky!

view to my left zoomed in too (: show some sky loving! haha whatever.

pinocytosis :/ was doing movement of substances in and out of cell membrane.. GAH.

SEE THE SKYYYYY! it was really sunny haha.

doesnt it look like some resort! :D

at coffee bean. hehe, nat nat and chew's hand.

haha ACT SHY.

uh huh. it's good leh (:

aroma therapy! haha.

joanne. we were on the bus to church and i thought that house looked pretty and quaint in the sunlight.

see? looks like some cottage on the hills right :D (minus that hideous building at the back. spoils everything!)

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alright. so today started off ok. except i got really really anxious about tomorrow, SCHOOL'S STARTING TMR. so i kinda went a little mad. just a little. yeah. but argh. i dont knw. my heart's not really settled yet. I NEED MORE TIME. there's so much to do, wo hen pa ):

oh, look:

valerie sera. Go in your own strength. I will be with you. says:

this is not good

valerie sera. Go in your own strength. I will be with you. says:

im making you feed me

I am a closet mugger. FEAR ME says:
haha feed first. till u can eat urself then let u eat urself lah!

aww :D

so anw, thank goodness ive got supportive friends (one of which will sing me a lullabye tonight :D) and today's mass was good (: Father Luke is so charismatic and sings so well, hehe. i guess it's just the pre-school jitters :/ i guess it's akin to stepping into a cold pool. you're so hesitant to step into it for fear of the cold and you start thinking up all sorts of scary stuff about it but you know you have to get in. and once you step in, you realise it's not that bad after all. "I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me!" alright. come on, val, you can do it! things arent going to be that bad (: how bad can it get, right (:

Oh, Lord, give me strength ):

2007-09-07T20:28:00.000+08:00

so the day started with me going, "SHIT!!!!!" but studying in ac wasnt too bad.

laptop (: served some entertainment and lots of songs. i was stupidly waiting for vivien and vincent to pop and begin pw so i was playing super mario and listening to random music and reading blog posts and looking at online stuff.

LOOOOOVELY song. i had it on replay the whole time, heh :D

i was doing note retaking haha

yup. bio <3 haha

shut up, val.

empty void deck except for tt far end and tricia at my table (:

my view :D

and agn

and agn! (the cpa's gna be completed soon!)

my company for the day (: she's really sweet and cute.

couldnt help it, haha. they kept hopping and flying about looking reallly intelligent and cute :D

the walk out (:

haha ive been seeing these fungi and wanting to take a photo of it :D

it was going to rain!

this is always my favourite view on the way home (:

look! the little wonders in life :D i was happily strolling home along to olivia's lovely songs when a small but quick movement from the corner of my eye caught my attention :D and turned to look and this little lizard was looking back at me warily :D thn i took out the camera slowly and got as close as i could to take a photo of it without scaring it away haha. after that it scuttled up the other side of the tree (: left me smiling and mouthing the words to olivia's songs after that, haha. i am retarded.

ok.

i had intended to do this LOOOOOOOONG post abt how much i missed st nicks but i realised that it would have no end. i couldnt possibly put ten years' worth of memories into a single blog entry. it just wouldnt do it justice. and i know it's silly and pointless to mope about some long ago memory and wish for things which will nvr happen but ): i cant help it ): and i really could start tearing any moment now ): siiiiiiiiiiiigh.

2007-09-07T10:27:00.000+08:00

i am tired and bored and moooooody.
pw sucks ):
i shall play super mario while i wait for the rest of the world to come!

2007-09-06T00:47:00.001+08:00

i think im attracted to tragedy :/

2007-09-05T23:04:00.000+08:00

studying at rj began with fizzy kola and barley mint (:

this is nat.

and agn. (she likes taking photos of herself, haha, tsk tsk tsk)

haha jiawei and kelvin were trying to take nat hahaha

and im from rj. yeah. yeah,right.

err. i was trying to do chem..

haha stone stone stone!

nat (:

yup. studying at rj is nice. except, it's kinda scary to see ppl studying at every nook and cranny. i mean, the canteen is PACKED with ppl studying and i really do mean PACKED. uh huh. but i wasnt gd and it wasnt productive ): oh well. it was very nice and windy :D and it got a little cold :/ haha but yeah (: rj is gd to study in. there's just sth abt schs that make you study properly haha. it's just this ATMOSPHERE haha. and gen is like a total genius! i mean, distinction for an H3 econs test/exam? how awesome is that :D she's only yr one, pls :D coooool stuff. uh huh (: going to club to study tmr. I WILL NOT BE DISTRACTED BY KELVIN'S VERY COOL AND FUN NEW PHONE. so there (:

2007-09-01T22:01:00.001+08:00

Mmmmmmmmm (: Olivia makes me smile :D her songs just put me in another world (: good music to go home with :D uh huh. I actually enjoy going home myself (: I love the no-mummy experience. but sometimes it sucks too la (: like you don't have ready-made food steaming on the table when you get home and all. I like the going-home-myself part (: especially when I can take my time and just stroll to Olivia :D loooovely. the past week has been good ((: but timothy just tells me it's raging hormones -.- whatever (: hahaha. as long as it makes me smile, ok :D haha. I hope next week will be a productive studying week! time to get to work, Val, really. REALLY.

2007-09-01T10:51:00.001+08:00

I don't know why, but for some reason I just can't seem to study at home ):< I shall go to the club every day of next week to make up for all the time I have lost trying in vain to study ): Every time I read my notes, nothing goes in. What's more, while nothing goes in, I keep thinking about everything else! Distractions, distractions. And this is one of them :/ Serves you right, Val, if you screw up another exam, serves you right for lacking in discipline and self-control. SERVES YOU RIGHT.

2007-08-30T23:10:00.000+08:00

School ended early today! I meant to stay back in school to study with kelvin but, haha, I was too tired so I went home instead, intending to study after a nap. When I got home, I set my alarm to go at 1315h but haha, obviously I turned it off and continued sleeping. Too tired la :/ So I slept and slept until jie called to say she wouldn't be back for dinner :D Sooooo I was actually thinking of going back to sleep, but I decided to get up and see what was good to cook at home. Decided to warm up the leftover chicken thing mum cooked and scrambled eggs with tomatoes and onion and porridge in the end. Turned out better than I thought it would :D Sorry, that was just random :D No school tomorrow :D I hope I get my ass to studying... Ok enough said. I'm going to do some other stuff. I just don't know what, haha. Come online, come online, come online before I gooooo ):

2007-08-27T20:26:00.001+08:00

it's one thing to see your eyecandy once.
it's another thing to see your eyecandy a second time (:
and of course another thing to see him three times in a day!

BUT WHEN YOU WALK HOME BEHIND HIM AND HE TURNS AROUND TO LOOK A WHILE,
it just makes you delirious :DDDDD

whooooooooooooooo.
I knew today would be good ((: I just knew it :D

2007-08-24T18:38:00.000+08:00

the breaks are comingggggg! there's a sense of a mixture of joy and yet anxiety in me- joy at the impending break and yet anxiety at the amount of time I have to catch up on all ive missed out in the first half of the year, academic-wise. while I am ready to go on and blabber about how I never got around to be disciplined enough to set out to do what I do, I must admit that everything is in my control, especially since now I am rather determined to do well :) for now, while I am pretty psyched up about starting on my studying, I have yet to come up with a plan and really concrete goals :) but that should be done soon enough. There have been certain problems going on these few days but I trust that things will run smoothly the way it did once again :) anddddd, I should have seen it coming (and I did) but the problem is, I didn’t think it would be like that but now I don’t know what to do :( but oh well. Things will turn out the way it should :) Oh and I felt a very pure joy today :) not the usual sort of happiness I get :D it was like a bright light was glowing within me :) and it put this involuntary smile on my face :) something really good must have happened somewhere! alright then. Go, Val! Study, study, study!

Quieten, heart! It is now time to settle down to work.

2007-08-14T23:18:00.000+08:00

i started on the first of the twelve year prayer thg :D and im gna try to prayer the rosary properly everyday (: i accomplished all tt i wanted to today and am really happy about it. sometimes people and things mess my head up and thn all i have to do is to look to God and everything is clear agn (: today was supposed to be the horridest day of the week but God supplies and gave us a rather slacky day ((: hoorayyyy. and did you know that praying the rosary is very very imptt? it is! let us all start praying it everyday from now on (:

2007-08-04T12:11:00.000+08:00

I wanted to put some photos up but there seems to be something wrong with the uploading thingy so nevermind that (: I have recently been reading up on purgatory and have realised what a sinner I am. I completely endeavour to live a much purer life with God as the centre always and my mission is to actively participate in the salvation of souls. However, seeing as I'm terribly weak, I shall work even harder at it. I have decided to go for confession next saturday at the novena. I also found this 12 year prayer thingy which I quite want to do but the thing is, I'm afraid of not being able to keep it up ): But then again, why am I worried about something that both God and I are in control of (: You can do it, Val! Haha. Maybe this blog can become some sort of a "Spiritual Journal" for me. Maybe, haha. Most of the time I just scribble into my homework book anyway or little scraps of phrases that jump into my head onto whatever piece of work I may be at at the moment (: I have found that I may be able to go to Australia to study veterinary science on my own, provided i get a scholarship there on the first year to sponsor tuition fees for the rest of my course! Praise be to God :D For now, I have to work extremely hard for the As so that the university there actually wants to admit me, haha. I shall go and research on the various universities. Oh, and I decided that if I don't make it to vet science, I'm going to be a social worker or counselor (: That's where my heart wants me to go, I think. So let us run this race that has been set before us with perseverence in Christ Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith because He has commanded us to go in the strength we have for He will be with us. Lord, I fear not suffering or pain because by the fire of Your purification, I am made worthy. You are the author and perfecter of my faith, You are my joy and strength. In my weakness You are strong and my heart soars when I think of Your grace and mercy. Mary, Mother of God, pray for us, poor sinners, now and at the hour of our death that we may live this life in humble penitance for the preparation of the life to come and to share in God's eternal glory forever and ever. It is a wholesome and delightful truth that if I only knew how great Your mercy and love for me, I would weep with such tears of joy. God, You are worthy of all the pain in my life. And even in purgatory, I will patiently bear all the terrible suffering in order to enter into Your light, spotless. Dearest Mother, pray for me that I may be strong enough to withstand temptation. Mother of the Word Incarnate, help me pray for those who are dying now, that they may enter into God's glory swiftly.

2007-07-21T21:03:00.000+08:00

caught harry potter with bestie last sunday (:
slightly disappointing but i guess i shldve gone in without expectations (: haha.

i caught this:

on film :D

it was yihui's birthday hahaha.

recently, there hv been problems abt amelia agn. and in some way, sarah has become embroiled in it. i hope amelia wont be mean to her. she's a rly sweet girl and she dsnt deserve sth like tt. hmm. i must say that God has blessed me greatly and im feeling excessively, somehow (: ive been looking forward to weekends a lot cos tt means i get to go to church for mass and i get to go to the club to study with the clubbers and it makes me happy like tt (:

whtevr. i wont bother with amelia anymore. (: im moving on.

2007-07-04T21:47:00.000+08:00

have you ever felt like you shouldnt do sth and yet you go ahead and do it and right up till you do it you try to tell yourself not to and yet you still do and then regret it like SHIT but you did it alr and you cannot change that fact ): i did. 3 times. and it alwys happens when i think it'll nvr happen agn. but then it does. i feel so guiltyyyyyyyy. well, im gonna make sure it never EVER happens again. i promise you!

2007-07-03T20:25:00.000+08:00

today i feel like ranting. maybe it's because school's starting tmr. need i say how much i detest school? im sure not. if only all the day were left for playing and for doing other more meaningful things. WHATEVER. i want someone to hold my hand ): and give me a big fat hug

2007-06-06T21:24:00.000+08:00

yeah, i know, it's been a long time.. i thought i'd never come back here but i suppose inner turmoil got the better of me. i've been trying to shut out that thought for a long long time. but i guess today broke the dam. for all the times i talked about quitting school, perhaps quitting band was what i had in mind. no, dont get me wrong. it isnt that i dont love band. i just love getting good grades more. is that so wrong ): i know. i dont want to regret. but life's too short to second guess yourself all the time to make sure you dont regret your decision. i want to do so many things in my life. i want to serve in the church, i want to pick up a new skill, i want to have time for my family, i want to revise the day's work and so much more but i can't with band in the way. well, sort of in the way. i dont know la. i'll use the remaining days to think about it all..

2007-05-12T22:03:00.000+08:00

the few minutes on stage was probably one of the best times of my life. i played without a single ounce of fear because the Lord's peace was with me (: i had so much fun that i felt a sense of empty sadness when we walked off because it was time, time for the syf experience to end.
safari started well enough (: dr lee was slightly nervous at first but he loosened up and his incessant smiles and little moves made my eyes light up and i couldn't help but smile as i played. during roman fest, i felt the whole spirit of the band. we were truly playing as one (: we were playing as one family and from where i was, i could see that everyone was feeling the music and moving to the music too! even dr lee did a small wiggle :D he smiled at rehearsal 28 when we did it nicely so brilliantly. i was so overjoyed haha. i rly felt so SO happy to be on stage and that moment when we stood up to the applause feeling accomplished and sad at the same time. i guess it was a feeling of reluctance to leave all of it behind. i just wanted to cling onto that moment and relive it agn n agn. and to think that that was before results were even out (:
after leaving the hall, i met nat and jiawei and trin ((((((: it was gd to meet up agn after so loooong! so we hung arnd for a bit cos only most of the j2s were allowed into the hall (nt enough seats, much to our dismay) but it was nice for us to get to talk and stuff (: they heard tt for the morning session, only one sch gt gwh and some ppl thot it was rj. thn after waiting for a long long while, the results finally came out! rj gold, vj gwh, tj gold and by this time we were rly nervous and excited and straining our ears to hear the results from phone loudspeakers (people called people in the hall for live updates :D) and then we heard,"Band number 15. Anglo-Chinese Junior College. Gold. With honours!" and the phones put dwn and all of us started screaming and jumping :D samuel was hollering, "YES! YES!" the girls were screaming and jumping and everyone was basically damn happy. even martin's face was glowing with joy :D oh well. it took a while for the information to sink in (: it seemed so surreal because by then the results didnt matter too much to me (: all i knew was that i'd had a whole load of fun and we had done our best (: that was enough for me so this was a cherry to top it off :D awesome ((:
i'll miss everything so much. actually, i already do. i guess i can only hold on to this nostalgic feeling and lock it up as a treasure in the deepest part of my heart and take it out sometimes to think about and smile about it, haha. it's a long road from here, maintaining our standards and improving too. it's gonna be easy but hey, im ready (:

2007-04-30T23:31:00.000+08:00

today, for the first time in a long time, i felt happy walking to sch (: chapel was. ok i suppose but i like sitting up there (: ive gt a lot a lot to say but i'll just keep it short. sometimes ppl tell u such ridiculous things u dnt knw whether to believe them, especially since uve been through sth like tt before. ok. tt's all.

2007-04-23T23:26:00.000+08:00

mmm (: phantom was good :D almost cried but hmm (: this wk's gna be hectic and im starting to get the jitters. but of course, God is bigger than the air i breathe and i shldnt tell God how big my problems are but my problems how big my God is :D
some things have surfaced n im getting slightly confused, hoho. but we'll just see how things go. no point fretting over something that's not even happened yet, right? haha
OH! and ive decided to change my aspirations just a little :D im gna be a vet right (: thn im going on to be an animal conservationist! (and elson ISNT going to own me, whtevr he says.. :D) and thn i'll decide agn on my children's orphanage/home/centre (: ok. i shld be heading to bed now. gnight!

2007-04-18T20:11:00.000+08:00

this week has gone by in a flurry and i wld say it has been the most emotional week this yr so far. i guess on top of all the homework and tests that have been kicking in, syf and other issues in life have surfaced and sometimes i find i cannot take it. i guess it's good that i still have the sanity to take a step back to review this all and see things from a clearer view and evaluate things so that they dont seem so daunting. mr joogal talked to us abt time management today and abt how there was this girl who committed suicide from stress. i spoke to jie abt it today too and she told me abt how this rly cheerful and happy-go-lucky girl in her yr hanged herself in her bedroom one night, sending shocks throughtout the school and how this physics lecture had said that sometimes we really have to understand that we do not live for ourselves alone.
each time i hear the news of the shootings at the virginia tech university, i feel pangs of ache shoot through my heart. while i feel sad for the victims and their families, i feel even more so for the murderer himself and all the more for his parents. it is so true that this sense of grief knws no international boundaries. after reading how the professor had taken the bullets so many others could escape certainly brought some warmth to this cold blooded shooting and at the same time make me mourn over the loss of one such good man on earth. while i can say that God has already prepared places in heaven for those who have passed on in this incident, the pain and loss felt by the families of the victims is so unimaginable that noone but those who have gone through such an experience can ever understand.
what pains me most is how the shooter could kill so many without batting an eyelid and to later turn the gun on himself in the face so that he was disfigured. what had tormented him to do such a terrible act and why was it that no one cuold have helped him? these are questions that perhaps are meant not to be answered.
the legal possession of guns in the US has alwys been a sort of mystery to me. i do not see how the argument that guns are for "safety reasons" or for "defensive measures" stand at all. if no one had guns, why would anyone be afraid of being injured by one? and speaking of safety, just take a look at how many children are injured by guns every year in the US!
i guess we can only take comfort in the thought that they have gone on to a better place and that God has everythg in control.

2007-04-15T21:47:00.000+08:00

this weekend has been the best so far (: i dont feel the total up-to-the-neck with stuff to do, somehow (: and i am contemplating moving over to sunday class but hmm :/ i'll hv to think it over properly. it'll be better to save the whole sunday to study right? right. oh well (: pw is starting to get to me ): im scared agn ): oh well. sch starts agn tmr. not exactly looking forward to it but hmm. i guess everythg is gna be ok ya (: i miss st nicks ):

2007-04-08T19:15:00.000+08:00

how lucky you are. how they feel. how many people you'd be letting down.
those three phrases probably summed up my thoughts and feelings at the camp. i initially had mixed feelings about getting into syf. but now, more than ever, i feel this sense of purpose.
tests are coming up and no, i havent started studying over the weekends, wht with the camp and a rly clogged up and uncomfortable head today (excuses, val, excuses). but anyway, yes. i really have to stop procrastinating and start working rly hard ): it's hard you knw ): and im beginning to feel afraid about jc life. sometimes i think abt how i wish i cld quit this rubbish and how i snap myself back to reality and remind myself tt there's a greater goal ahead. oh well. but yeah. im actually really scared of the things that might come? how im gna cope with sch work and tutorials and assignments and project work and keeping up with lectures and making sure i retain the information and understand everything well enough despite putting 100% into band too ): dear Lord pls give me strength and remind me that there's nothing that You and i cant handle together today (: i shld rly start revising eh?

2007-04-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

so now that i have been posed a challenge, i have decided to take it on. problem: i still cant stop wasting time at home whenever i can ): i really should be "straining" right :/ oh well. i was really motivated this morning, haha. guess i'd forgotten how much more enjoyable it is to laze arnd thn to do gp essays and review dna & genomics and intermolecular forces notes, haha. oh well. im tired agn and my essays are still undone. help ):

2007-04-02T14:25:00.000+08:00

nat jia and phy :D

the best is yet to be :D

syahira !

ben :DD

trombones :D

chingx nat kelvin chew

cooooooooon!

st theresa's church - CNY

family without jie (she was in uk!)

family(joanne's taking the photo) dad's going back to bangkok.

edwin

j1 trombones :D (check out eugene's face.)

eng looooong :D

yes, it's been a long LONG time :D
i wldnt say tt ytd's concert was a huge success but i cannot deny tt i was fun performing at the esplanade (: the harps prettified phantom and the organ was just AMAZING :D photoshoot was qt cool too haha! and miss sng IS right :D it IS tough being a model hehe. im looking forward to better concerts in time to come :D sch has been picking up pace and im set for the new term with all it's challenges. it is truly a blessing to be back in ac and i cannot express how thankful i am each day i step into ac once more. i knw tt the novelty of it all may wear off but i dont suppose it will any time soon :D ac is a family where i feel at home and the spirit of the class keeps me going (: band has been an exceptional place too where rubbish scandals and new "families" formed coupled with a wacky conductor. i rly couldnt ask for any more (: ive been having silly contradicting thoughts these days but we'll just see how things go. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND! i so cant wait to watch phantom! oh and sorry for the hapzard order of the photos :D

2007-03-18T12:28:00.000+08:00

it's been ages since i last updated but haha wht can i say :D one day i was bawling my eyes out (almost literally) and the next im running arnd getting my withdrawal form done :D is God awesome or wht? haha! so well, the holidays have gone by in a flash. the last visit to st nicks was gd, despite me not getting to eat frm the orange bowl stall, haha! the spirit i felt frm the girls was very VERY encouraging, to say the least (: im so proud of the leaders and i hope they make the gold (: closer back home, preparations for the ac band concert has got me qt excited abt the performance :D hey, how many ppl actually get to perform at the esplanade right :D it's gna be awesome, i just knw it, haha!

school starts tmr and im pleased to report tt i made it back to mr joogal's class!! and i cant tell u how happy i am :D im almost delirious with joy! sch looks great frm where im standing now n i cant wait to get my ass down to some good work and claim those As HAHA (: yeah right val, you better make sure your words count!

band has been qt awesome (: im so thankful to be back despite the huge scares and all but hey, God reigns :D im gna make full use of this opportunity He has given me (: i knw it's not gna be any easy and that i rly WILL hv to work hard if im thinking of doing any H3s (which i want!) so yeah. GO VAL!

2007-03-09T04:54:00.000+08:00

every thought of it brings a new wave of pain and sadness that washes over me. i guess i wont be able to talk abt it without tearing for a long time. things are gonna be ok. i knw.but it's just rly hard. but thn agn, i knw it wont be as hard as i think it is. because im not doing this on my own (:

2007-03-04T18:38:00.000+08:00

apologies for the recent lack of posts, not that anyone actually reads them anw since no one knws who i am, haha! but posting day is tmr and i knw that God is gna take me back to ac cos in kelvin's words, because [i] asked and trusted in him (: so yup. i'll be back in ac and i'll be able to put "acjc" proudly on all my profiles everywhere in the whole wide world. hmm. actually ive got stuff to say abt today but aiya. im gna hv a gd slp before mass pe tmr. OH MASS PE THE BANE OF OUR LIVES. U LOATHING LOATHABLE CREATURE, YOU SHOULD JUST GO AWAY.
(:

2007-02-25T18:12:00.000+08:00

i reached a new record high time of leaving the sch (9.45pm) after band practice on thursday and cannot wait to break it, haha! these days, it has dawned upon me how ~~freaking~~ sad i am gna be if i dont get back to ac. but thn agn, i will leave everythg in God's hands cos only He knws what's best for me. waves of nostalgia wash over me everytime i hear "goodbye my lover" and i wonder whn we will meet at the club once more to study, haha! im actually looking forward to tt (: i have grown a lot closer to my section than i imagined i would in this short period of time. having said that, i cannot help but think about how much sadder im gna be if i dont get to stay back in ac ): oh well. no point getting all emo abt tt now haha. i will knw the truth whn posting results come out. it's amazing how when i was in sec four, i was so intent on going to vjc and at the same time feeling like i would never fit into any place else other than st nicks. that's is not an unfounded feeling at all, seeing as i have spent more than half my life in there. i practically grew up there! yet now that i have settled myself into ac, i find myself longing to be nowhere else but here, haha. i never thought i'd feel so at home in a new environment but so many times as i sat in the void deck with my classmates i've thought to myself that no place else could be as comfortable as where i was exactly. i guess on top of the whole friendliness of the ppl in the place, the many ppl ive met and the band which truly is like a family hv rly made me feel at home. now, consistency is the new word i shall have to bear in mind. i'll hv to end here as bio and chem notes await me! test next week and here i am, tsk tsk :D i'll be back soon, hopefully!

2007-02-14T18:58:00.000+08:00

since today is val's birthday, she's finally talking specifically. haha. anw, 1SD1! im gna miss you guys so so bad ): so, today was valentine's day AND MY BIRTHDAY and it was so gorgeous (: woke up to a happy birthday from mummy and thn matt gave me my first bday present :D thnnnnnnnnnn oh thn stepped into a heart decorated hall where everyone was bustling arnd distributing gifts and etc :D so i joined in the fun and spread the "lovebug" around :D and got presents too ((: thhnnnnn. we went for bio prac! thnnnn it was chinese, which i've dropped!, hehe! :D so, i had my break ((: at the very-packed void deck where music was being played and balloons were being whipped about in the wind :D tramped arnd lking for ppl i knew that i cld give chocs to and received presents agn :D thn 2SD1 dedicated a song to us! aww :D eh. thn we went for math.. thn we had our break :D ~~and thn we ponned chem lecture~~ hehe but we had to go for econs tutorial which wasn't half bad at all :D yay i like mr koh. thnnnnnnnn we had ~~horrid~~ econs lecture andddd.. pccg! hahaha yay. thn 1SD1 was gorgeous and popped up with a nice choc cake baked by eleanor :D and 2 foil helium balloons which made me feel oh-so-loved :D aww ((: thnnnn i went out.. and yada yada and got more presents which i kind of adore hehe. and now im rly tired and it feels like there's no sch tmr. and. if there's gp tmr, im so so screwed so. yup (: yawn. tata world. i hope i make it baaaaaaaaaaack. and i dont want to let 1SD1 go ):

2007-02-09T15:37:00.000+08:00

so i received my results today (: contrary to what i thought, i didnt feel nervous at all the whole time until we queued to collect our slips. but like what i'd expected, i did even worse than for the prelims. so i guess in a way i wasnt too disappointed. but i am worried that i might not make it back. yup. that's about all (: but that, im going to leave in God's hands so yup (: Lord, i surrender everythg to You.

2007-02-07T19:18:00.000+08:00

we had our cross-country today, which wasn't half as bad as i thought it'd be (: results come out in about 2 days' time and my birthday is in a week (: not too worried about the results yet but oh well. i trust in God's hand and all the more His heart (: remember about spraining my ankle? i can't do swim again tomorrow because. well because i just cant so yeah. sigh :/ im tired now so :/ i'll be off..

2007-02-04T10:37:00.000+08:00

it was a little queer meeting them agn after the longest time (: things have changed, people have found who they believe to be their other halves and i feel genuinely happy for them :D have we really grown up that much at all? i dont know much. but i guess we have found new directions in life and have endeavoured to work towards it in the hope of coming to find that we were right to have made the various decisions. it was quite a good time nonetheless, with one of us preparing to get it right that night :D it was kinda cute seeing someone you once ________ carrying out something so carefully thought out and planned and so hopeful, to say the least (: and at that point i realised how nonchalant i was about this whole issue about dating. much as i relished in the attention that was lavished on me, somehow i just couldn't see myself settling down with the person.
a friend once told me how inconvenient she felt about looking above average. at first, i was quite confused about where this conversation was heading but as the conversation went on, i could sense that she wasn't trying to be showy or arrogant but was simply lamenting about the troubles it brought. she said that so many people had complemented on her looks that she never did believe in love at first sight. i was quite surprised at her words for isn't it the best thing to have someone tell you that u were pretty? her further explanation put things into clearer perspective and i saw where she was coming from. i could only sit and listen patiently as she explained how she always suspected that she would never find the guy who saw her inside out and for who she was, not what she looked like. at that, i couldn't answer her but smiled and told her that i believed there was someone for everyone, it just took time to find it. she only gave a wry smile.
thinking back on that conversation, i look at myself and wonder why dating has never quite been a want or need for me in recent times. could it be the last 2 relationships which i ended? perhaps, perhaps not. but for now, is this plan in my life the right one for me? am i going to look back at the end of the day and regret not having slotted in a time for dating? i guess i'll never know.

2007-01-31T16:02:00.000+08:00

yes, so i went back to sch today :D i never knew how rushy flushy wednesdays were! but it was nice that it ends at 1350 (: love it. i remembered i had things to write here this morning before school.. but i guess i'll just hv to wait for the rubbish in my head to filter out before they come back. in a side note, that was enough val. never again.

2007-01-30T08:57:00.000+08:00

right. so here i am, at home once again.. but i reckon i should be up and well for school tmr (: my cat just hiccuped, hehe :D mm.. im on my gp homework and i cant figure the econs one out! AND there's an econs test tomorrow which i am quite sure im going to fail :/ missing band practice today! aww haha oh well. being at home gives you a lot of time to think, ive realised. i think im going to fill my house with animals next time, HAHA (: and umm. i'd just like to say that.. life is fragile :/ so buckle up when you're in the car guys! haha my cat is purring for no apparent reason as she sits sprawled across my homework :D well done kitty, well done..

2007-01-28T08:25:00.000+08:00

when i talked about God helping me through swim pe agn after my sore eye, i didnt expect Him to give me a sprained ankle, haha. but nevertheless, i might not be able to do swim pe again. though i actually want to to some extent. haha :D i wonder how many people are going to doubt my words again..
sji on friday was pretty fun, i would say :D running in the rain, getting dunked, eating pizza along a corridor and being neglected on a long train ride home (hoho) was all good fun (: and to think a year ago i was still not quite willing to step into this sch (:
as lessons start to gear up and tutorials and assignments pile up, i cannot help but want to keep organised and stop them from snowballing. well, i guess the procrastinator in me has decided to go into hibernation eh? ha.
im beginning to love my class more and more! and i hope with all my heart that we're gonna stay on together after os ): ohwell.
i hate being disabled :/

2007-01-25T18:31:00.000+08:00

tell me what to do now :/
mum says band is taking up a lot of time and she's worried about me not having enough time to study and all.
how how how ):

2007-01-24T19:02:00.000+08:00

today was another satisfying day, so much so i was compelled to write a short note to God :D haha i think im retarded :D im loving my class more and more each day! hehe (: band prac was a little boring but i guess we hv to work out everythg before we can play the piece properly (: had a good ride home after prac, haha :D the teacher-in-charge really woke me up today about how little time we actually have to study what with practices for performances and concerts coming up. if i dont pay attention in class and decide that im too tired to do my tutorials, im probably going to have to retain.. in view of all that, i have endeavoured to focus on my goals and work hard towards it. i'll try to juggle everything and make sure i have enough fun and at the same time put everything into God's mighty hands :D

my God is so big!
so strong and so mighty, there's nothing my God cannot do for you!

:D

2007-01-22T15:14:00.000+08:00

so many things that have happened in my life constantly reminded me that God is ever-present in my life. although at that point in time when things seem to not have gone my way, i have, with the benefit of hindsight, come to appreciate God's hand in my life, making sure that things go according to His plans.
i have come to understand the importance of faith in God's plan and letting everything happen without complaining too much or sinking too low into depression.
chapel was meaningful today. it made me think deeper into how special each of us truly are, how much God loves us (really!) and ultimately how we should commit everything in our lives to God because only in that way will our purpose here on earth be served and only then will life stop being an arduous journey but one of joy and great hope for the eternal glory that has been promised to us.
i believe with all my heart that God put me here in this institution for a great purpose and i guess it was to bring me closer to Him.
today was a terribly long day although we had quite a few breaks. for some reason, my shoulders are aching and all i want to do is to lie in bed and sleep till tmr BUT there's tuition later on! but i guess it's good i actually decided to have tuition because the school teacher's quite sucky.
band tomorrow! sort of looking forward to it, haha!
a song was shared with us during worship today (: here it is:

Your mercy found me,
Upon the broken road,
And lifted me beyond my failing,
Into Your glory,
My sin and shame dissolved,
And now forever Yours I’ll stand.

In love never to end,
To call You more than Lord,
Glorious friend.

So I throw my life upon all You are,
'Cause I know You gave it all for me,
And when all else fades,
My soul will dance with You,
Where the love lasts forever.

it's a really beautiful song (:

2007-01-21T14:25:00.000+08:00

i believe that everyone comes into our lives for a reason.
sometimes, it is to teach something and other times, it is to help in some way.
for a while, i was wondering why cassie came into my life but i guess in some ways, cassie was here to help me feel more comfortable with myself in a big new world.
i must say that if it weren't for cassie, i probably would not feel as at home as i do now.
as a new chapter of my life begins, i am quite determined to stay focused on my goals, meet new people and keep them as friends for life, as well as to blossom into the new and better person that i know i can be. i want to work hard and play hard and ultimately make the most of my time here at this new institution where i am happy to say, keeps me close to God. despite the difference in the religion, i do not feel alienated or anything along those lines. instead, as the principal (or someone..) said in his/her speech, God sent us there so that we could know about him. yep. that makes sense to me. i hv decided to make this blog as anonymous as i can for now. but perhaps in the future i just might relent and start writing all about myself, where im from and all the other not so important stuff, haha.
but for now, dinner beckons!

2007-01-21T08:00:00.000+08:00

school has been quite interesting and as the pace picks up, im starting to feel the need to forget play already. everything's beginning to take on a serious tone, somehow, and i absolutely love my class. haha. that was pretty random. the school has been great and i feel so at home already albeit my short stay there. i really hope that i can make it back :/ i dont feel like readjusting myself anymore.. but still, let thy will be done, Lord (: as the year picks up speed and things come hurtling my way, i certainly should turn to God in all that i do. i should be starting on and finishing up my chem tutorial soon.. monday's gonna be my longest day and after that, i'll still hv 2hrs of chem tuition after tt.. oh well. band's been really great and all and i have never not dreaded band practices like now hahaha so yup. i look forward to a year of hardships and friendships too (:

A new beginning.

2007-01-21T07:17:00.000+08:00

i thought i'd start things anew (:

2005-12-14T19:33:00.000+08:00

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

2005-12-11T21:33:00.001+08:00

"But i dun like leh heh"

:D :D :D :D :D

2005-12-09T20:07:00.000+08:00

i like burmese cats n singapuras :D
i like the burmese cat's temperament and lks
and i think singapuras are pretty :D
and theyre rly affectionate too (:
cant decide between them !
maybe i'll just get one of each nxt time :D
haha,
why am i even talking abt this now anw ?
it'll be ages till i get my own pets (:

2005-12-04T21:52:00.000+08:00

i hv finally been confirmed (:
i am now Yao Hui'en Valerie Sera (:
i think i will miss ihm a lot until i nxt join one of the youth grps.
jie suggests i join one only after os
i was thinking tt too..
hmm.
you knw,
there's nowhere else i get the feeling i get frm being in church.
i like being in church (:
ppl are playing carrom n watching tv at home now n i feel qt pretty haha..
ok whtevr.
will go now.

2005-12-01T20:12:00.000+08:00

back frm con camp (:
i must say altho i wasnt qt lking forward to it initially (esp not after chiangrai.. :/)
it turned out well.
grt job, all who planned n carried out con camp (it took 6 mths to plan a 4-day camp !)
thnx to my lovely facils who made everythg beautiful (:
now it's deciding which youth grp i shld join. for now im thinking zj but i'll think abt it some more.
i want to go for y.e.s. camp !
i hope mum allows.

2005-11-27T07:33:00.000+08:00

somdet <3

300" height="250"/>
my baby and i

clock-wise frm top: somphong (with a grape fruit plus i gave him in his mouth :D), vatcharin and somdet. my two favourites in one pic (:

somdet <3

on the way to their sch in the pick-up for sports' day

dancers (:

other dancers (:

silly sweetheart (: my love.

the ice kachang somdet bought me

half-eaten turnip somdet <3

the hair clip he pinned on me (: the one i lost ):

i'd give you all i evr had and i loved you like i nvr did love before.

my sweetheart

silly baby (: he didnt want me to take a photo of him (:

haha :D sompod with the metal stuff he put on his ears frm his newly bought socks (:

somphong, my other favourite, and i

chayanit and i with the muay thai thg (:

on mt phu chi fa with karen

frm mt phu chi fa. those are clouds below (:

on mt phu chi fa

the muffin somdet gave me

charoen (: haha

my baby in his costume (:

somphong n the smaller ones (: see my baby at the right in my huge jacket :D i miss him so.

i love you i love you i love you

nth can match the pain in my heart. nth can match my love for you.

somphong, chief gardener (: my other favourite

(:

i love her.

on last shot before he boards the pick-up

bye bye darlings

the place i love.

2005-11-26T17:52:00.000+08:00

i shall be skipping all boring parts tt i experienced at the airport (:
just now tt it was a HORRIBLE wait at the bangkok airport for our transit (:

211105 monday
2136hrs

in the dorms alr after meeting the kids.
one word: ADORABLE!
im excited (: cant wait to see them tmr (:
theyve got a cute black retriever and another yellow/beige female dog (:
haha yup.
the sky is just GORGEOUS
siqin n cheryl saw a shooting star (:
i want to see one too :D
it's even nicer than in malacca (:
rly lking forward to meeting the kids and i want to learn thai !
and if my olevels are over by the time this trip happens agn nxt yr,
im coming no matter wht !
im lking forward to tmr (:
i rly am (:
im not lking forward to bathing tho, heh.
i bet the water will FREEZE me to death.
anyhoos, i love this place (:

2148hrs

221105 tuesday
1614hrs

oh today was just BEAUTIFUL :D
got to knw the kids better (:
i like the littlest one, nakarin,
the intelligent one, somdet,
the cheeky one, sompod,
the attractively naughty one, somphong.
somphong's RLY strong !
he's the "chief gardener" :D,
the girl who loves singing [she sticks to zhang fan :D],
the girl who tickles me (:
aiyaa,
theyre all adorable (:
just bathed !
getting ready for mass.
it's DAMN cold !
lkike bathing with ice water !
i rly wna come nxt yr !
the bigger ones will come later (:
thn we'll play :D :D :D
the yngr ones got the day off frm sch today (:
the older ones still hv to go anw.
ahh i love this place (:
i dont want to leave here !

1617hrs

2141hrs

ahh :D
we watched madagascar after mass which was in thai (:
i read the 2nd reading.
i dont want to leave here ):
i shall cry on the last day ):
I MUST COME NXT YR !
somdet likes me too (:
he's so cute.
he made beln i sit beside him just now :D
n he made us 3 play games (:
haha, he's so cute !!!!
i love him ot pieces (:
n i want to talk to somphong more ! (:
yes yes (:
thn after the movie i was rly tired n i rested my head on his and he leaned back on mine (:
thn later he turned arnd n i leaned on his back (:
thn he held my index fniger n laced his fingers with mine :D
so cute.
thn he tried to pluck the hairs on my fingers haha :D
we went to the farm opposite today.
there were pigs ! :D
it stank ok..
there was a huge brown male pig with ENORMOUS testicles,
a few pink female pigs and several littler pink pigs.
there were lots of earthworms on the pathway to the pig's enclosure and wan chien was so traumatised tt she cried :D haha poor girl :D
we gardened today !
it was qt tiring..
chunkol[sp?]-ing for a while gives u an achy back n achy fingers (:
i got a puny blister haha
we found many grasshoppers , a milipede, a frog and a half-chopped one (:
haha
yup.
somphong's RLY gd at it.
no wonder he's the "chief gardener" :D
damn strong !
mr foo cldnt beat him at arm wrestling u knw !
haha n vatcharin's rly strong too (:
later on we drew stuff and hung them up.
the kids traced their hands out, wrote their names and decorated it (:
we played catching and stuff and gave them sweets.
theyre SO cute whn they thank u (:
n they like taking photos (:
as in go arnd with the camera taking stuff (:
but they dont mind being the subject either (:
oh n before bathing today, we [wanchien yimin karen n i as well as somphong, basketball guy, 2 n thai girls] played basketball, yup.
somphong plays well (:
n so does basketball guy (:
thn bel was telling somdet tt he was lor [handsome] n somdet was SO cute !
:D :D :D
he goes "mai lor.. mai lor..", waving his hand in dismissal before pointing to bel n saying "ni lor..."
:D
haha ((:
thn they say he's naa-rak [cute]
and he says "mai.." and does the same thg :D
pointing to bel and saying "ni naa-rak.."
CUTE ((:
mass was in thai n i nvr felt more lost during mass, haha
somphong's damn cute also (:
he says thank you haha and he cleared up after lunch today ?
the girls usually do tt.
he also rinsed the dishes beforepassing it to be washed.
the guys usually just put the plates by the sink n go off.
i'll be SO sad whn we leave ):
I DONT WANT TO LEAVE ! ):
oh well, we're gg to their sch tmr cos it's their sports day :D
yay :D
i dont want to leave here ):
i love everyth here right dwn to the icy cold water with which we bathe !

2203hrs

231105 wednesday
1203hrs

hey (:
just came back frm their sch for lunch (:
we'll be back later :D
yay :D
today is another gorgeous day (:
we went there n saw their march past (:
theyve got this boy running with a torch later on like in the olympics :D
n they had like cannons too :D
which was pretty cool (:
lil kids danced :D [guys included! they wore plastic bags strung tgt to make a skirt, haha..]
it was qt cold thn but the poor kids were like in spaghetti straps ? they were so cold ! poor babies]
somdet came arnd (:
[my love ! :D]
he asked me to sit nxt to him (:
thn he gave me a turnip to eat :D
oh ya, tt basketball guy [i havent found out his name yet..] came in 4th for their 5km mini marathon :D
cool eh :D
another guy frm the mission home came in 3rd (:
anw,
i found a hairclip on the grasss n somdet pinned it on me ((:
thn he put the cap he had on on me :D
thn he bought ice kachang for me too (:
i love tt lil guy to pieces (:
there was a soccer match n somphong was goalie (:
he was grt but the other team won on one free kick n a goal.
thn we sat arnd n ate turnips haha..
n chayanit gave me some kueh too (:
oh n somdet gave me a cup of ice water too (: sweetheart. [it was getting warm cos the sun was up]
felt so bad tt they were serving us n everythg..
heh..
n the big boy who was making the kite ytf asked somdet for my name haha.
anw, rly lking forward to gg back to sch later (:
the ride there in the pick-up's rly nice cos it's windy (:
man, i rly love this place n i dread the day i return..

1212hrs

2052hrs

I LOST THE HAIR CLIP ! ))))):
but i took a photo of it..
we didnt go back to sch cos the yngr ones came back (:
im loving xsomdet more than evr.
the thot tt tmr is our last night here just tears my heart apart..
i rly dont want to leave.. ): ): ): ):
we didnt hv mass today..
we had dinner straight (:
ate with somdet and we played after tt (:
and well, apparently the kite guy likes me :D
oh gee ((blushes)) hahaha..
n tt basketball guy ? [oops, forgot to ask for his name agn..]
he asked me for my name n my age n talk talk talk to the kite guy n thai
like saying "can laa, can laa" kinda thg ?!
n tt naughty somdet ! :D
he kept pushing me to the kite guy n whn i sat rly close to somdet [i alwys do cos i love him to bits n pieces] he called the kite guy n made tt smirk n talk talk talk to him in thai :D
i want to udstd wht he's saying !
haha.. aiyo..
n somphong can speak some madarin :D
he can say chi fan n ni hao :D
haha i taught him hao, bu hao, wo n ni (:
oh oh n he can count to ten in mandarin with some help :D
im rly sad to leave on fri )':
im gna cry..
i can feel it alr )':
anw, we played cat n mouse (:
yup n kite guy made me chase him !
idiot :D
somdet kept asking him to do it n the other guys were also asking him too but i didnt expect tt he wld :D haha
n the others cheered extra loud whn he did laa, TSK :D
just talked to mum.
nearly cried whn i said i didnt want to leave..
anw,
we played marco polo as well (:
n we played jacob's ladder (: somdet was my partner, of course (:
think they enjoyed cat n mouse n jacob's ladder most (:
haha.
oh well. will try not to let my sadness ruin my mood..
somphong can speak some eng too (:
whn some guy clung on to somdet in a sort of fight, i asked somphong to separate them (:
theyre gd kids here.
like brothers and sisters.
altho the boys like to play fight [they are boys after all..]
they still love each other lots.
sompod is damn cheeky :D
damn cute.
bel n i played hide-n -seek with somdet in the afternoon (:
bel taught him my name while they searched for me (:
we played with the erasers and one-leg-hop (:
thn the other guys started throwing the erases at us, ouch.
haha thn i grabbed the bag of erasers and got CHASED, TICKLED and SCRATCHED haha..
n nakarin stuck onto karen like glue (:
damn cute (:
they called him spongebob cos he wears spongebob t-shirts :D haha
thn at night i pulled somdet arnd the hall n he slid arnd in his socks (:
oh n i gave somdet a plaster for a blister on his foor after the one bel gave him dropped off, [i figured tt it'd drop off after his bath] he didnt want another after his bath tho n he asked me to give it to his frd (:
wht a sweetheart.
his frd had a graze on his knee.
put some cream on the plaster n pasted it on for his frd n whn his frd didnt thank me, he scolded him..
haha so cute (:
i rly love him !
i rly do !
n he gave me an apple fruit plus (:
he pressed it into my palm (:
somphong let me put on his muay thai thg for the head [a white rope thg] n take a photo with chayanit (:
thn he put it on n took 2 photos with me (:
i want tmr to come but i'll be damn sad as well..
oh, we're gg to mount phu chi fa tmr to see the sunrise n we hv to wake up at 3 !
so gotta slp now (:

2131hrs

(didnt write on thurs.. was too tired n upset..)

251105 friday
1545hrs

right.
so im on the plane to bangkok now..
last night was terrible n lovely at the same time.
cired like buckets n buckets.
i think i was the first to cry.
ok i was.
anw,
we woke at 3 in the morning n set off for mt phu chi fa.
the cold water woke me up.
was terribly cold out there.
had a cup of sth before setting off.
got there,
climbed up up up [tiring..]
and waited for qt a while before the sun appeared (:
the scenery was SO beautiful..
there were stars in the darkness at the back and the sun coming up frm a distance turned the sky a rainbow colour.
imagine a horizontal piece of rainbow before u in a sea of navy blue.
took qt a few photos.
was feeling qt moody the whole day tho..
we went back for breakfast.
thn we set off for a park just by the mekong river.
we saw almost palm sized puppies n a rather small grey cat.
the sand by the river was SO fine n nice n glittery (:
wqas qt nice except, well, my mood was spoiling thgs a lil.
it's like u think abt stuffs a lot n before u can think of tt painful thg u just shut everythg out n stop thinking abt anythg at all..
thn we went back for lunch.
sister bought ice cream (:
so sweet of her (:
n we went to a nearby village.
wanted to go back so much cos somdet n the others wldve been back alr.
we finally went back n [sigh.. i feel n ache in my heart agn..] sat with somdet for a while.
he wldnt talk n was very quiet n moody in the morning,
refusing to lk at or speak to anyone.
he wldnt let anyone but bel n i to touch him either.
felt damn sad n sneaked a few drops of tears.
ran back to the dorm to gettissue paper.
later on, before dinner, he was slumped on the tables just outside the hall with his jacket on n the hood over his head.
he wldnt talk to anyone.
thn i patted his back n asked if he was ok.
he said he had a stomachache cos he was hungry.
however, i cld tell tt it wasnt so.
i cld feel a sort of sadness radiating frm him.
he ate qt lil during dinner [so did i, no appetite ):]
n i'd put my jacket arnd him before dinner cos he was cold.
his hands were also rly cold cos he just bathed so i held his hands to warm them.
his frds kept trying to pull me away frm him and kept talking to him, saying tt he was sissy n stuff, needing me to warm his hand.
felt so sad tt they had to do this to him but i wldnt budge.
sister gave us muffins after dinner [on top of the oranges we hv every dinner]
somdet went to get one for me (:
i hadnt even finished wht i had on my plate but i cldnt bear to refues the offer so i took it
mrs gurung n her mum noticed tt he was qt moody n asked me wht was wrong.
i told him tt he'd said tt he had a tummy ache.
mrs gurung asked bel to tell sister abt it.
whn sister asked if he was unwell,
he said he wasnt.
after dinner, we went back to the hall n i sat with him.
after a few rounds of scissors-paper-stone, he had to change into his outfit for the night's performance.
before tt, in the afternoon,
everytime we practiced our item,
i cld hardly stop myself frm crying everytime we sang the part " i wna wish you a merry christmas frm the bottom of my heart" in feliz navidad.
i alwys choked on "heart".
my heart ached super badly.
thn we put on our tinsel halos in the dorm n went out to the hall.
the kids lked beautiful n their outift (:
they all went jingle jangle n all the beads went "click" as they swished agnst each other.
somdet was in my jacket initially so i cldnt see his outfit but later he revealed a very intricate piece with strings of green beads hanging frm a black vest (:
he lked so cute i wanted to hold him in my arms n squeeze him tight.
the lil kids danced a very cute dance first [we all laughed n cooed n cheered at their ultimate cuteness (:]
thn the older girls danced a very graceful dance
and thn the boys acted silly :D
they put up a very umm skit :D
n they had sacks with silly drawings and holes cut out for their eyes over their heads and they danced to the ketchup song :D
they lso had their jackets n shorts worn low to "conceal" their identities :D
sister n the cooks n stuff were supposed to guess who was who (:
thn i t was our item :D
during which i was so embarrassed tt my ears burned :D
didnt cry cos all the laughing n smiling n embarrassment stopped the tears (:
thn they turned off the lights n turned on the ketchup song agn n we all had to dance to it (:
of course i held on to somdet's hand.
held them frm the back so tt i'd be enveloping him.
thn he made me go to the corner, stop n wait for a while.
felt a lil nervous cos charoen [kite guy] wasnt arnd.
soon, charoen appeared with a flashlight, hahaha, n they all started making silly noises n dancing arnd more :D
thn don [basketball guy] asked me to dance with charoen n i wldnt :D
haha..
i was starting to cry alr heh
thn somdet didnt want to dance anymore [i think he's a lot like me] and led me away
i started crying a lot.
cldnt help it, heart ached like shit :/
hugged somdet n he hugged me back.
he put his arms arnd me n stroked my hair n my face.
he's only eight !
he asked me not to cry by drawing a line dwn his face frm his eye n shaking his head..
it only made me want to cry more but i smiled n wiped my tears which were falling fast.
i felt like shit cos i rly didnt want to leave him.
the music stopped n we sat on the bench we'd brought in for our item.
i hugged him n he buried his head in the crevice between my neck, shoulder n chest.
i leaned my head on his n teared.
thn i lked at him n saw tt he was tearing n my heart broke.
i wiped his tears away n shook my head.
he frowned n lked a lil pained.
everyone started crying.
i hugged somdet n cried somemore.
i rly hated the thot of not being with him.
we gave them wht we wanted to give n cried more.
thn we sat dwn, sticking to each other in silence.
i'd wrapped my jacket arnd him cos he was cold agn
thn the sad sad part came. sister, the cook n the kids came up one by one to thank us n stuff ON THEIR KNEES ! )':
so we all kneeled too n cried super hard whn sister kneeled n hugged mrs gurung's mum.
thn slowly tey came up.
the older ones told us "mai long hai!" [dont cry]
we hugged the girls n shook hands with the boys.
somdet came up first n told me not to cry.
hugged him extra long n cried.
we thanked them one by one as they came too, in the way i like (:
thn charoen came.
he thanked me, said see you agn nxt yr, n did the hmm how do i describe ?
u knw whn u play pepsicola thg tt u hv to hold the other person's thumb dwn to win ?
yup he did tt thg except it's to let ur fungers slide across each other.
haha dont knw wht funny thg.
made me smile as my eyes glistened with tears.
thn somphong came, smiling, n told me "mai long hai!"
i smiled too n nodded.
thn don came, thanked me n said "see you agn nxt yr" too.
i nodded my head, smiling.
supani came last n i cried the most while hugging her cos she's like the da jie n stuffs (:
she's damn nice.
we exchanged email addresses n took photos with my 2 favourite [somphong n somdet]
thn just sat there with my baby.
oh n somphong pressed a kopi-o candy into my palm before the items smiling his smile (:
charoen gave me his autograph bk to write in n another bk to write my address n stuff in.
thn i sat there stuck to somdet n leaned my face near his.
i gave him my nametag (:
thn he wanted me to eat the muffin he gave him.
i fed him one mouth.
thn we sat there somemore.
i leaned my face on his shoulder.
thn they gathered n sang songs for us.
made us all cry agn..
n somphong was rly cute ((:
he was so cheerful, swaying to the music, singing rly loudly n pretedning to play a guitar :D
my tears were falling fast but i smiled, lking at him.
he lked at me too n did his raise-eyebrow-cheeky-smile thg (:
i liked at him in a sideway stare smiling n laughed :D
he laughed too n sang even louder (:
don had sunglasses on n charoen had his hood on haha.
somdet kept staring at the ground, his lips moving frm time to time.
thn at abt 11+, we went back.
held somdet's hand while they queued to go back to the dorms.
somdet had 2 jackets on,
mine n his, cos he was so cld, tt darling [i was freezing too but it didnt matter]
this morning, we woke up early to send the children off to sch.
somdet wore my jacket inside n his outside n he lked so terribly cute cos my jacket was rly big for him n it stuck out at the bottom (:
took his cold hand n walked with him to queue to go to the hall.
he asked me to close my eyes.
i did n he pressed a heart-shaped chocolate into my palm.
i smiled n he smiled slightly too.
there was this deep dull ache in my heart.
i cldnt bear to let go of his hand.
thn they went to sit on the bench on the other side where the pick-up wld come to pick them up.
gave somphong n somdet the letters i wrote to them.
they thanked me in the way i love.
somdet fingered his while somphong went to another table with his frds n opened it up.
he was smiling all the way (:
i stole a few drops off tears.
i eavesdropped on sister's translations of the letters frm us to the kids n teared somemore.
n whn they lined up to wait got their pick-up, i held on to somdet's hand, secretly wishing tt i cld stay on forevr n wld nvr hv to leave my beloveds back there.
he wanted to return me my jacket but i told him tt i wanted to give it to him.
he nodded n smiled slightly.
baby, i wld give u everythg i had if i cld.
so tt's wht true love is.
it's giving everythg u hv w/o reason or conditions.
i used to think tt there wasnt such a thg as unconditional love
but now i see.
there is such a thg as unconditional love.
their pick-up came n i fought back my tears.
i took one last shot of somdet lking away n whn they climbed into the pick-up, tt silly darling somphong was smiling (:
they were all in their boy n girl scouts uniform (:
sompod had a way cool hat [like a cowboy's]
and don n another guy had a maroon beret on.
somphong lked qt smart (:
i smiled back too and as the pick-up left n the kids all waved, i let the tears all n a sharp pain seared through me.
i cld see somphong n somdet so clearly.
i waved n bit my lip, the pain in my heart almost unbearable.
somphong was smiling n waving,
somdet was waving, not smiling but with a determined lk on his face.
his lips were pressed tgt, his eyes telling me not to cry, telling me tt it'll be ok.
thn the bigger ones came.
i passed charoen his book n he thanked me.they left, we had breakfast n we set off for big c.
bought an eng-thai dictionary and a bk on thai for travellers.
my new yr resolution is to learn thai so tt i can speak with my darlings nxt yr n write lots of letters to them (:
im missing them lots now.
somdet, i miss you so much.
somphong, wait for me (:
i'll see you guys real soon.

2005-11-25T17:58:00.000+08:00

im back frm chiangrai n im not one bit happy.
i wish i cld stay there forever n evr.
maybe i'll go be a sister there (:
i think i want to do tt.
i'll update lots and lots tmr n whn u guys do read it,
pls get ready a packet or box of tissue paper cos, well,
you might cry and you wldnt want a salty keyboard (:
till thn,
gnight.

2005-11-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

to chiangrai tmr.
well, cant say im excited for it.
i was.
but well..
((sighs))
i shldnt let tt affect me now.
i shld stop thinking abt ~~stepping dwn~~ cos tt's escaping.
im so glad shueli's so encouraging n supportive..
well iguess u gain some u lose some laa.
no one said this was gg to be easy right ?
maybe this is God's plan to like make me a, err, more, umm i dont knw, determined and strong person.
hmm.
i dont knw laa.
i just want this to get over soon.
it hurts ok whn she bruises ur dignity n puts u dwn n everythg.
nvm.
i shall, umm, grow stronger frm those words.
good Lord help me pls ):

2005-11-19T08:06:00.000+08:00

you think you've made it everything's going so fine
but then appears someone who wanna
tear you down
wanna rip you off those few nice things you've found
when and if you hit the ground.
then it's falling kinda hard
cause all you do is being yourself
trying everything to succeed somehow.
but that's not the way things are right now.
feeling kinda lost.
those reasons
those unkind words being expressed
oh they'll get to you I promise one day.
but maybe then it's too late for you to say
i knew it from the go cause you know
that's some miles away from the truth.
don't forget
hey what do you think of me now
am I not like I once were
still if you don't know me
what's the story of this pen
i guess you're not a stranger
and I can tell you're not a friend
it might take a while but I guess you'll manage waiting till then.
then when you confront me with your thought
you may think I don't notice don't get a bit hurt by what you do
i ask you to please think of
what I've done to you.
please search inside and let me know
if I've done something wrong I guess I'll go
far hidden
never to be found
just let me know
then i'll go

ive alwys loved this song.
but i guess i nvr thought it wld describe my feelings so aptly.
oh well,
i'll persevere.
to chiangrai in 2 days.
well, i shld be feeling excited.
but the thought of wht miss sia will say to me after the trip
and after con camp (which i rly rly lk forward to.. and which is right after the trip..)
all the magic's gone.
all that is left is a deep sense of dread.
im losing grip fast.

it might take a while
but i guess i'll manage waiting till then.

2005-11-18T10:27:00.000+08:00

you think youve made it everything is going so fine,
but then appears someone who wanna tear you down,
wanna rip you of those few nice things youve found,
when and if you hit the ground,
and it's falling kinda hard.

i dont knw wht to think knw ?
it's like i try so hard to be strong inside
but thn it seems like ever since i go tthe post of band major,
everyone just wants to get it back frm me.
if you were so reluctant to give me this post ?
why give it to me in the first place and want to get it back frm me now ?
why tell me tt i simply havent shown my full potential yet and tt if i want to step dwn i may
anytime i wish ?
why ?
why do you want to show me happiness and cruelly rip it frm me ?
and mind you,
it feels forced,
it feels like im being manipulated into wanting to step down so that it dsnt seem like ure the mean ones.
you knw wht,
i shall simply keep my rump in it's place and nvr step dwn.
i can nvr pls you so if you want,
you can pull me frm my place but i will not give it up.
i will work harder and try not to be overwhelmed by ur hurtful words.
i try, i do.
but nth seems to be going right for me.
it's not my fault that i hv other commitments and therefore hv to skip a few band pracs.
you knw im sorry to say this,
but although miss sia is a very very gd conductor,
i will not join band in jc if she's the conductor.
sure she's rly gd but she dsnt knw how hurtful she can be at times (most of the time..)
and how unreasonable she can be to.
our lives dont revolve arnd band.
she dsnt udstd at all.
our lives cannot revolve arnd band.
you knw,
ic an actually alr quit band.
ive got my A1 for cca alr.
but im not gg to give up cos i kinda like playing with the rest of the ppl.
it's enjoyable sometimes whn she's in a gd mood n not trying to put everyone else arnd her dwn.
((shrugs))
im not tt irresponsible ok.
i will persevere.

2005-11-15T08:36:00.000+08:00

went to taka with mum today (:
she did her facial n i was just walking abt.
got my confirmation outfit :D
cca tmr.
hmm.
i hope i lk forward to it :/
later (:

2005-11-13T02:39:00.000+08:00

NCO camp ended ytd (:
we had nice weather, rly thankful for tt (:
i dont knw how to describe it laa but it was just..
nice ?
haha
yes.
i'll miss the camp laa.
miss getting to ccab n gg into the cold cold music studio in the morning,
miss getting out into the hot hot sun to march n play n rehearse and everythg (:
miss michelle's banter (:
miss rachel's companionship,
miss hving to eat packed food on the floor (:
(veg frm nearly all meals are brocolli or cauliflower which i so hate..)
and almost everyone gives me their ketchup whn there is any (:
miss lking into the gym to lk at the gym girls doing their thg
and occassionally half-naked guys :D
or lk out onto the hockey pitch cooing at the lil ones or just watching the older ones play
and sometimes watch the powerful sprinklers go (:
miss mr siao's crap and his the the the and once once once :D
his irritating sarcasm
and everythg else laa (:
a few of us frm the section went out for dinner after pop (:
apparently john's frm risen christ ??
wht a small world :D
i dont even rmb him ?
haha.
i wont forget this camp laa (:

2005-11-11T10:51:00.000+08:00

ahhhhhh
fourth day at NCO !
haha :D
oh today was nice (:
sort of laa :D
we practiced our stuff (:
but it rained so we had to do it in the mph ?
n it was SO warm inside there ok.
but it was rly funny HAHA
im sure they did tt on purpose.
cos we were practicing our formation in the mph n the drum majors were there to ?
thn we had to march to the side n some of the drum majors were in the way ?
haha thn it was a rly funny sight :D
they scrambled on their butts back while we marched forward :D
hahaha
it was SO tiring to do the whole thg !
can rly build up stamina (:
but after the whole thg n ure panting,
u feel so accomplished n proud of urself kinda thg ?
esp whn the drum majors cheer n cheer n cheer :D
u just want to laugh out :D
n u just want to do it agn n agn :D
haha
but it's seriously very tiring (:
((nods))
oh gosh i cannot wait for tmr n i shall BAWL if it rains tmr.
seriously..
aiee.
oh,
and i dont knw if the food is getting better or if we're just getting used to it :D
today was the first day tt i finished all my food for both meals (:
haha
i pray it wont rain tmr !

2005-11-10T10:34:00.000+08:00

third day at NCO camp !
oh gosh today was SO tiring..
we had to run round the place for the games !
haha tiring tiring !
n we had rehearsals too (:
u knw, there's sth abt the camp tt makes me want to come back for more even tho it gets rly tiring n stuff ?
haha yup.
n mr siao was being so irritating ?
it's like we're in fup position, he makes us march forward, the drum majors are cheering for us, we stop,
and he falls us out for water break.
hmm :/
haha
he did it twice ok !
haha
but it's fun laa :D
im lking forward to friday !

2005-11-09T14:04:00.000+08:00

but why ?
i dont understand and i dont think i ever will.
why ?
how does it help at all ?
it cant relieve anythg.
it just adds on to it.
it serves as reminders.
why do u want to voluntarily scar urself ?
why ?
i want to understand !
u knw it hurts so much ?
i want to understand why.
maybe i will one day.
tt's whn i go pained enough to want to try it to understand why u even want to do it anw.
pls, stop.
stop doing it.
it hurts to knw ure hurting urself n all i can do is ask u to stop but there u are doing it.
i feel so helpless ok.
pls, i rly want to help.
pls help me too ?
if u want to get out of tt misery,
forget the unhappy thgs,
push them out of ur mind n put everythg tt reminds u of anythg sad away frm ur sight.
but it isnt helping tt u do tt n remind urself everyday abt how thgs wre.
move on, move on.
ure worth it.
dont think im irritating pls..
i dont want u to do tt anymore..
it rly hurts..
it does..
i want to smack u, shake u, wake u up..
but i dont want to hurt u..
i want to put u in a cotton candy world so u wont ever hurt urself..
but i cant..
pls..
pls dont do it ever..
pls u said u dont want to make me sad so why are u doing this ?
dont u see tt sorry dsnt make them disappear ?
im sure u knw..
but why ?
why do u say sorry n think it's ok after tt ?
it isnt..
pls, pls dont do it evr..
pls..
why ?

and as the skin broke open and red liquid trickled out, my heart broke a little more.

2005-11-09T11:51:00.000+08:00

imylsl ):
ss, wdycbtwigtcm ):
imylso..
ssss, linmaeb !
irrrrwttyn..
ykiawthy (:
h..
iwwtwh (:

2005-11-09T11:48:00.000+08:00

second day at NCO camp :D
it's so fun !
hahaha but super tiring as well (:
marching was the pits man.
i think ive biceps now :D
hahaha
i think the drum majors are rly rly cool (:
i wish i was the drum major :/
haha nvm (:
on the brighter side,
we get to enjoy air con for an hr or so at least :D
oh well (:
i found a dead but very very pretty bug today :D
it's orange n has shiny green legs :D
AND as usual,
the guys were being retarded.
tsk tsk tsk.
i love sticking to michelle n rachel (:
oh gosh i think ive fallen in love with formations n playing altho tt's a pretty weird thot.
hmm.
well, i only hope tmr will be more fun (:
ive been hving lots of fun albeit super tired :D
haha.
im rly lking forward to friday's pop ((:
off to memorise more scores !

2005-11-08T11:55:00.000+08:00

first day at NCO camp :D
it's qt fun ((:
haha but pretty tiring as well.
hmm.
jezer was being, well, his usual self if u knw wht i mean :D
but yes i agree with him,
he injects life into the grp.
somehow :D
hahaha he was being retarded ok.
he tried to "catch" my trombone's reflction of the sunlight.
o.O
whn i asked him to stop harrassing my reflection he said it was cute.
well, he meant tt the harrassing was cute.
hmm.
anw (:
i love michelle :D
she is so funny i tell u :D
HAHAHAHAHA
her laugh is rly RLY contagious :D
REALLY.
hahahaha
n ain's rly cute (:
uh huh uh huh :D
n yay rachel my display partner :D
n my score sharer :D
haha.
john seems a lot nicer now :D
heh.
i mean, he seemed scary during the precamp but after the ice breakers where everyone shared screams n squashings,
we all kinda got closer n stuff.
haha.
well,
i thot it wldnt be too hot so i left out sunblock today
but now tt my cheeks are so red,
i think i'll glop some on tmr :D
dont want to lk like a lobster with peeling skin on pop :D
ok,
off to memorise scores !
go val :D

2005-11-05T14:54:00.000+08:00

i cld be ur mummy
and u cld be my girl.
we'll go out on pretty trips
around our lollipop world.

i cld be ur happy fairy
i'll make u happy all day.
and when the sun sets
i'll chase the shadows away.

i cld be ur tinkle val
and meet u in ur dreams.
i'll sprinkle my glittery dust
and we'd frolick on pretty moonbeams.

cheer up my shweets !
i love u so.
here's my hand,
take it,
im pulling u over to the other side.

2005-11-03T14:24:00.000+08:00

caught flight plan after chi os with cherie n gen (:
it was ok laa.
nth fantastic.
i want to watch the exorcism of emily rose :D
hahaha
i bet cherie n gen think im mad :D
it lks pretty interesting (:
anw,
was in kukup ytd n came back today.
we played with fireworks there !
:D
i loved it (:
no stars tho haha
it was too cloudy (:
lots of lightning tho (:
basically went there to grow fat laa
haha.
u knw,
i think im absolutely mad ?
for some weird reason i dont knw myself,
im actually lking forward to nxt yr..
tt's rly rly weird.
RLY weird.
haha (:
but it's gg to be an exciting yr la (:
yup.
i dont rly knw wht im rattling abt laa.
it seems so choppy n now i dont knw how i shld end ?
oh (:
i love you amelia (:
dont care abt tt weird manipulative kid with serious issues (:
((hugs))

2005-10-24T14:42:00.000+08:00

AMELIA:

When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please to tame your wild wild heart
I know you feel like the walls are closing in on you
It's hard to find relief and people can be so cold
When darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
When you feel all alone
And a loyal friend is hard to find
You're caught in a one way street
With the monsters in your head
When hopes and dreams are far away and
You feel like you can't face the day
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fal
lLift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
You're not alone
And there has always been heartache and pain
And when it's over you'll breathe again
You'll breath again
When you feel all alone
And the world has turned it's back on you
Give me a moment please
To tame your wild wild heart
Let me be the one you call
If you jump I'll break your fall
Lift you up and fly away with you into the night
If you need to fall apart
I can mend a broken heart
If you need to crash then crash and burn
YOU'RE NOT ALONE

i love you, shweets.
((hugs))

2005-10-20T12:50:00.000+08:00

got the rest of the papers back.
no intention of thinking abt them anymore.
so yup.
move on, val.
this is probably the hundredth time im making a plea to myself (how abosolutely pathetic)
but yes, val, pls work !
uve rly got to.
REALLY.
tt aside,
the day was pretty ok.
we had a talk on stds n aids.
nat says she's nvr gg to hv sex.
haha.
wht a funny girl :D
she was so paranoid.
she was like,
"Even if u hv sex after u get married, how do u knw ur husband dsnt alr hv a std ?
wht if he dsnt knw ?
wht if he knws but dsnt tell u ?
omg it's so freaky."
HAHA.
go to same jc ?
haha dont knw laa.

dancing on a ray of hope.

2005-10-18T11:28:00.000+08:00

u knw,
i rly shld get dwn to studying chi for Os soon.
real soon.
i'll do it after my bath (:
oh.
i havent finished the script for tmr's election rally !
hueiminn!
come online soon!
i want to start studying :D
GDNESS.
ive nvr WANTED to study..
but all tt's gotta change nxt yr val !
n it will !
i must get SINGLE DIGIT !
it's not THAT impossible.
not rly..
heh.
i will laa.
well, at least i want to ?

2005-10-17T10:59:00.000+08:00

amelia, im so glad for you (:
i love you.
im so scared for the following wk
and altho im rly lking forward to november,
im rly afraid for tt too.
i knw miss sia is gna kill me cos im gna be away frm band pracs for 3 wks but yeaa.
she'll kill me anw.
it's not rly my fault.
it's not fair tt she scolds me for sth which i hv official reasons for
and she expects me to be "committed" to band.
i rly try.
tsk.
i dont knw wht to say anymore laa.
but if she wants to scold me or strip me of my post,
there is rly nth i can do to help it..

2005-10-13T12:41:00.000+08:00

end of yrs ended officially ytd (:
went out with nat.
didnt feel especially relieved tho :/
there's still the chi os n everythg.
mm.
yeaa.
im not lking forward to getting our papers.
God save val.

2005-09-24T13:54:00.000+08:00

i feel like writing sth but i dont knw wht to write (:
thgs hv been.
well i guess thgs hv been qt the same
except i dontknw.
im mixed up inside.
mm.
eoys are coming.
err.
my studying momentum is taking a rather long time to come.
i'll just begin w/o it.
go val.
mm.
i want to finish my art piece before mass tmr n.. yeaa.
MUG PLS, VAL.
oh i cant wait for obs :D
even if it's nxt yr :D

2005-09-23T12:53:00.000+08:00

Here I go again
Cold and lonely nights
And where's your body next to mine
Just imagine you're here holding me
The thought of you just burning me inside

People say you'll end up hurting me
If only they could see what I see
They'd know

Your love
One thing in life that I'm sure of
Light of my life baby, shine on
Make me believe you're the right one for me
Soon you'll be, forever be
Light of my life

Move me with your words and your tenderness
Reach the part of me I never knew was there
I just wanna thank the moon and the stars up above
Someone out there must have heard my prayer
I don't know why we waited so long
I only know we belong in each others' arms

Your love,
one thing in life that I'm sure of
Light of my life baby, shine on
Make me believe you're the right one for me
Soon you'll be, forever be
Light of my life

I might be a million miles away
But I never lose my faith
Never let me down
When all others failed me
You were there, yes you were
Light of my life
Light of my life

Your love
One thing in life that I'm sure of
(Oh baby)
Shine on, make me believe you're the right one
The right one for me
(Light of my life)
Soon you'll be, forever be
(Light of my life)
Got me through the good times
Gave me something to believe
Light of my life

2005-09-17T13:17:00.000+08:00

no,
im not ready to let go yet ):
but if ure better off tt way,
pls go

2005-09-17T11:27:00.000+08:00

ugh ):
my head hurts.
im waiting for panadol to come (:
rmb the last time the preparation for the preliminary rounds was so fun ?
it has turned into an ugly mess.
i only hope nth goes wrong tmr n tt my head ache will subside.
n tt everythg will go smoothly..
it's frightening how someone who seems so softspoken and nice can turn on u like tt.
not once but twice.
sowing dischord between friends and all.
scary.
and over such minute matters too.
im so sad.
n my head rly hurts.
we must beat cat high n chi high n nayang n nus high !
i hope we do ):

2005-09-15T05:59:00.000+08:00

ooh ooh ooh :D
im going to chiangrai :D
im so happy abt it cos at first i thot it wld clash with my confirmation camp !
it's frm the 21st nov.
confirmation camp's frm 28th nov (:
lucky lucky lucky :D
haha n the hyflux performance ytd was qt fun ((:
the food was GOOD :D
hahaha
we're working on the chem thg yet agni hope we'll do well !
all the way for eoys everyone (:

2005-09-15T05:34:00.000+08:00

thanks sweethearts (:
i will be strong n persevere.
i mean, wht else can i do right ?
haha..
but yeaa.
dont worry too much but thanks for all the concern i love u guys to bits
and all these stuff hv warmed my heart (:
THANK YOU !
gosh (:
how can i not work hard now ?
i'll have to shut all distractions out (i hope i can do this :D it's rly rly hard. heh)
and sit myself dwn n study study study.
enough disappointments
enough tears
enough heck-care attitude
and ENOUGH I HATE MATHS.
yes.
i love maths
:D
i dont want to drop amaths,
i CANT drop amaths.

2005-09-11T03:51:00.000+08:00

strength today,
brighter hope tmr
(:

2005-09-10T14:18:00.000+08:00

i dont knw how i can find the sanity to write this but yea..
today was last day of pre camp n i think im lking forward to NCO camp.
jezer's not tt bad i guess.
easy to talk to him laa.
im sad n scared ):

2005-09-10T08:37:00.000+08:00

suddenly i feel like i don't know who i am any longer. i suddenly feel like there's no one i can trust and that nothing i see is real, nothing is what it really is inside. things are just putting up a facade. they're hiding behind a mask i can't unveil. i don't know what to believe in anymore. i don't know what's real, what's not; what to believe in, what not to believe in. i feel so unaccomplished and so lost. i feel like a failure when i knw i shouldn't. i feel like giving up when i know i can't. i feel like i've lost all hope when i haven't. not really at least. i just want to feel that way. it's this sadistic feeling. i like feeling sad n angry at myself. and at the same time, i detest myself for doing that. you see, i feel confused, confuddled, puzzled, lost, wrong.. i don't know what i'm feeling anymore. i wish someone would pick me up from this mess, dust me over and straighten me out, tell me everything's alright and set things straight for me. tell me what's gone wrong, what i can do and how the future will turn out. i don't want to regret any more than i already do now. i know there's so much i can do and even more that i should be doing. i just can't settle my heart down to start on what i should. besides, i've lost most of the courage i've had these yrs. i reckon by the time i seriously need courage, it'll all be depleted; used up. i feel screwed. could someone tell me why? is this a phase everyone goes through? if so, i find no comfort in tt thought. why do i feel so alone when in fact so many people around me care? why do i feel like no one cares anyway when in fact they do very much? why do i want to indulge in self pity n tell myself i've no hope when in fact i hate the way i want to? why? why does the rainbow come after the rain? why won't it come before the rain to announce that there is in fact hope after the thunderstorm, to encourage, to cheer us on? why does it seem so hard to do the right thing and so simple to do something so wrong? why is it i find it so hard to open up to people face-to-face but have so much to say when typing? i wish i could see through facades and understand the true meaning of living life to it's fullest. i wish i could feel the security in the concrete knowledge that someone, in fact, loves me very much and would pick me up when i was down without me having to ask for a hand. i wish i weren't so selfish as to have written all these rubbish that contain only me me me me me ME. SIGH. i wish i could understand the people around me and give them the love i would like them to give to me. i wish i could pick people up and be their source of support. i wish that after a good long cry before sleeping wouldn't render us with eyes so swollen the next day that classmates say you look like you had a hang over and your sight seems to have been diminished to three quarters the normal area you won't have teachers asking if you were alright because your eyes were so red. i wish dad was here so i could give him a hug. you know, a hug from a man and a hug from a woman is different. to me at least. somehow, a hug from a man gives more security. you feel safer and you feel so much less frightened of the world outside. when you hug a man, it feels like the world sheds it's cruel skin n begins to look so much less daunting. but when that hug ends, everything starts rushing back again.

2005-09-10T08:03:00.000+08:00

HELP.