Floating flower
in the sky.
Kiss me with your
Petal wings---
READS . THAT GIRL . SPEAK . MEMORIES .
Saturday, September 10, 2005
08:37
suddenly i feel like i don't know who i am any longer. i suddenly feel like there's no one i can trust and that nothing i see is real, nothing is what it really is inside. things are just putting up a facade. they're hiding behind a mask i can't unveil. i don't know what to believe in anymore. i don't know what's real, what's not; what to believe in, what not to believe in. i feel so unaccomplished and so lost. i feel like a failure when i knw i shouldn't. i feel like giving up when i know i can't. i feel like i've lost all hope when i haven't. not really at least. i just want to feel that way. it's this sadistic feeling. i like feeling sad n angry at myself. and at the same time, i detest myself for doing that. you see, i feel confused, confuddled, puzzled, lost, wrong.. i don't know what i'm feeling anymore. i wish someone would pick me up from this mess, dust me over and straighten me out, tell me everything's alright and set things straight for me. tell me what's gone wrong, what i can do and how the future will turn out. i don't want to regret any more than i already do now. i know there's so much i can do and even more that i should be doing. i just can't settle my heart down to start on what i should. besides, i've lost most of the courage i've had these yrs. i reckon by the time i seriously need courage, it'll all be depleted; used up. i feel screwed. could someone tell me why? is this a phase everyone goes through? if so, i find no comfort in tt thought. why do i feel so alone when in fact so many people around me care? why do i feel like no one cares anyway when in fact they do very much? why do i want to indulge in self pity n tell myself i've no hope when in fact i hate the way i want to? why? why does the rainbow come after the rain? why won't it come before the rain to announce that there is in fact hope after the thunderstorm, to encourage, to cheer us on? why does it seem so hard to do the right thing and so simple to do something so wrong? why is it i find it so hard to open up to people face-to-face but have so much to say when typing? i wish i could see through facades and understand the true meaning of living life to it's fullest. i wish i could feel the security in the concrete knowledge that someone, in fact, loves me very much and would pick me up when i was down without me having to ask for a hand. i wish i weren't so selfish as to have written all these rubbish that contain only me me me me me ME. SIGH. i wish i could understand the people around me and give them the love i would like them to give to me. i wish i could pick people up and be their source of support. i wish that after a good long cry before sleeping wouldn't render us with eyes so swollen the next day that classmates say you look like you had a hang over and your sight seems to have been diminished to three quarters the normal area you won't have teachers asking if you were alright because your eyes were so red. i wish dad was here so i could give him a hug. you know, a hug from a man and a hug from a woman is different. to me at least. somehow, a hug from a man gives more security. you feel safer and you feel so much less frightened of the world outside. when you hug a man, it feels like the world sheds it's cruel skin n begins to look so much less daunting. but when that hug ends, everything starts rushing back again.